The Skill of Saying “No”
For some people they always put themselves at the bottom of the list…some people don’t even have themselves ON the list. I used to be one of those people. I would say YES every time someone needed help because it made me feel worthy. Since then, I’ve done a lot of work on myself and a BIG self care practice I’ve implemented in the past several years is the skill of saying NO! Check out my full presentation here: https://youtu.be/xBaBUUeuAl4
Are you a people-pleaser?:
Do you find yourself saying “yes” to people only to regret it moments later?
Do you tend to put others’ needs before your own?
If you answered yes to any of the questions above, it may serve you to learn the skill of saying “no” more often.
Benefits of saying no:
Saying no allows you to choose where you invest your time and energy, allowing you more control of your life instead of life controlling you.
Saying no establishes healthy boundaries and sets the expectation for others.
You cannot continually bend to meet the needs of others. Saying no allows you to honor and be authentic to yourself and your wants and needs.
Why some people have difficulty saying ‘no’:
The inability to say no stems from an eagerness to please. People struggle to say no because they’re scared of what will happen if they do. People aren’t born with the inability to say no. If you’re a parent, you know that children say no quite frequently. So if saying no is something you struggle with in adult life, it means it was a learned response, most often stemming from childhood. When pressed, you may think one or all of the following:
The other person will get angry, think less of you – maybe they’ll even abandon you.
You may take comfort in knowing you’re the “helpful” one. Your reliability has become part of your identity. And knowing people rely on you provides you with a sense of importance. It helps you feel worthy.
It may have been modeled (if your parents were people-pleasers) or it may have been clear that your needs were somehow less important than others.
Perhaps you grew up in a strict household where there were consequences for disobeying. When you didn’t go along with what was expected of you, you were rejected.
You felt love but only when you fulfilled other people’s needs. Love was conditional and so you complied.
Instead of saying NO, some people do the following:
Accommodate: Say yes when we really want to say no. This is a temporary, false sense of peace, which later leads to apprehension and resentment. Attack: You say “no” aggressively, stepping strongly into our power with no regard or attention to connection with the other person. This is normally done with those you love the most, the ones you take for granted.
Avoid: You don’t prioritize your personal power OR the relationship and disrespect the other person by not providing them with an answer.
How to identify when you need to say ‘no’?
A helpful strategy is to get very clear about the things you want to say yes to.
Make a list of your top three priorities or goals (and understand that they may change).
Post these priorities where you will see them all the time: your bathroom mirror, your nightstand, your laptop, your car’s dashboard.
When someone asks something of you, check to see if it will serve any of the things you declared you wanted to put your time and energy toward. If the answer is yes, make it a “hell yes” and stand confidently in that decision. If it is not in line with your objectives, say no.
How to say ‘no’ with confidence:
People seem to feel like they need to justify their “no”. The reality is that you don’t owe anyone a justification, as long as you are ok with the “no”...this is why knowing your priorities and goals is so important because it helps you make that distinction.
Be clear, confident, consistent, and concise. It’s not necessary to offer a lot of information to explain your reasoning.
If you say no to one thing, but still feel like you can offer help in some way, then speak about the kinds of things you are willing to do, or the time frame in which you might be in a better position to say yes.
Being proactive and prepared will allow you to say no more confidently so you can say yes to things that are truly important to you.
It’s ok to take a little time to think about your response. Tell the other person something like, “I need to think about it. I will let you know by noon on Friday.” This deadline keeps you accountable and ensures that you honor both the relationship and yourself by providing a concrete reply in a reasonable time frame.
Suggested phrases for saying no:
“That sounds great but I’m afraid I’m busy”.
“I’m not able to take anything else on right now”.
“That sounds like a great opportunity but I’ll have to pass this time”.
“Thank you for thinking of me but this one isn’t for me”.
“I won’t be answering emails outside working hours”.
“I’d love to but I’m afraid I don’t have the time”.
“That doesn’t fit my schedule”.
“I won’t be able to help this time”.
“I have a policy …”
“I’d rather say no to you now rather than disappoint you later”
“I only volunteer in connection with a particular cause.”
Being able to say no may enable you to be more honest and authentic with others. You may be less likely to feel taken advantage of, and people may learn to come to you for the things to which you are more inclined to say yes. People may learn to respect your ‘yes’ rather than take it for granted, you may find that your resources are allocated more appropriately, and your connection to, and communication with, others may be healthier as well.
How to Say No Without Feeling Guilty: And Say Yes to More Time, and What Matters Most to You - by Patti Breitman